Letters from Japan: 10/15/02 "Blah"

Yes, I am still alive. I have been living like a pauper though, which meant skipping the nightly internet cafe writing gig until payday (today). And I will probably be out of commission for a few more days because I will be picking Amber up from the airport tomorrow evening, and I will be entertaining her for the next 5 days. If I am feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow morning, I might drag my butt to Virgin Records before I head off to get Amber. I don't have too many inspiring stories to share but there is always SOMETHING to talk about. The latest news in Japan is the return of the Japanese hostages that disappeared over 25 years ago. Has that been in the news in the U.S.??? 30-some people disappeared over the course of a few years in the 1970`s and as it turned out, North Koreans kidnapped them and forced them to teach Koreans Japanese. There are only 5 survivors so the big question is how did the other 25 people die. I am in a sour mood right now...between the bombing in Bali, the sniper in the U.S., and Japanese hostages, I am losing faith in humanity. It's all bringing me down. So hopefully by tomorrow I will feel perky and ready to tell you the few crazy stories I have. Right now, they just don't seem relevant...

Write soon, Love me

Letters from Japan: 10/10/11 "The Ha-Ha Man"

I am DISAPPOINTED!!! I come all the way out to the
internet cafe to find only TWO E-MAILS!!! How can I
find inspiration to write when I have NO INCOMING
MAIL!!! And ONE of those e-mails is a PORNOGRAPHIC
PICTURE! (thanks, Josh). Oh well, I am a survivor, so
I will press on, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!

Where do I begin? How about the train station. This
morning I am standing at the train station in Chofu
waiting to catch the express train to Shinjuku when I
hear, "HELLO!" I turn to see a sharp dressed Japanese
guy in a suit and tie. I've heard about Japanese
people being eager to talk to Americans to practice
their English, but this guy seems very confident in
approaching me (most Japanese people are very shy
around strangers, especially foreigners...also known
as 'gaijen'). I say hello slowly as the thought dawns
on me that he is another Jehovah's Witness... then,
"DO YOU REMEMBER ME?!" OK, now I know that he can't be
a JW (I put back my cockroach spray), and I know that
he can't be some dude I met in a drunken stupor at a
bar late one night because I haven't had any late,
drunken, bar nights. I tell him that I don't remember
him but he looks vaguely familiar. "YOU TAUGHT ME
ENGLISH!" THEN it all comes back to me. I have only
taught him once before, about a month ago. He is a
student at NOVA. So then I feel horrible, like
somehow I should have recognized him. I tell him that
he wasn't wearing those glasses when I taught him and
THAT is why I didn't recognize him right away. (He
doesn't know how being in another country has made me
retarded and that I have a special seat on the train
just for me, right next to the pregnant women and
decaying old men). He is on his way to an interview
and my train comes just seconds after he approaches
me, so he tells me to have a nice day and leaves. Why
do I feel bad?

OK, so I get to Shinjuku and come to the third floor
of Virgin Records. There is always competition here
to get an open computer. This place is always packed
and many times I have to wait a while before I can get
on a computer. I usually sit and drink my iced mocha
at a strategically placed table so that I can get the
eagle eye-view of as many computers as possible. The
moment I see someone stirring from their chair, I
POUNCE! Anyway, there is about a 50 yard distance
from the escalator to the computer area. As I am
walking towards the cash register (you must purchase a
sandwich or beverage in order to use the computers) I
hear quickened footsteps behind me. They are closing
in on me...no, THEY ARE PASSING ME! So I pick up my
pace, this person is NOT going to pass me! I am first
in line!!! But his stubby legs are faster than mine
and he passes me at the last second. Bastard! He
orders his drink and turns to scan the room for an
open computer. The whole time I am swearing at him in
my head. Of course there is ONE open computer and HE
GETS IT! I get my coffee and sit at a table and look
over at the little rat-bastard at MY computer...AND HE
is looking at ME with a SMUG LOOK on his ratty little
face!& I can't believe it! Not only has he cut in
front of me and stolen my computer, NOW he is looking
at me and laughing and giving me the "ha-ha" face!!!
I see a woman get up and I race over to where she is
sitting to find that there is no computer at that
spot. Now I have to walk past the ha-ha bastard and
he says something to me. I can't understand him and I
am about to give my usual Japanese phrase "Nihongo ga
wakarimasen" but then it dawns on me that this dude is
not Japanese. "What?" I ask. In a French accent he
repeats, "Where are you from?" This guy steals my
computer and now he is going to hit on me???!!!
"America." 
"You have beautiful hair."
"Thanks. You are a short, hairy bastard."
And I walk away. (Ok, so I left out the short, hairy
bastard part, but I DID walk away!) Luckily, a
computer on the other side of the room opened up soon
after my encounter with the short, hairy, ha-ha
bastard so I didn't have to sit at a table and stew.

In other news, I received a notice in my mailbox at
work that I am getting a new roommate THE DAY AFTER
AMBER GETS HERE!!!! I can't believe it! I am going
to have to be creative and figure out a way to
provided bedding for everyone. I ain't sleepin' on no
tiled floor! Michael has been kind enough to offer to
send an inflatable bed but for the price of shipping,
I might as well just buy a futon here. The good news
is that my new roommate is an American so I don't have
to worry about defending the actions of my country for
the last 3 weeks of my stay.

OK, last story from me and I swear I'll be done. On
Wednesdays I work at Nova on the north side of the
train station (Chofu Kita-guchi). The other days of
the week, I work at Chofu Minami-guchi...sorry i just
got distracted. The dude sitting to my immediate
right keeps squeezing a zit on the side of his neck
and now it is bleeding profusely and and he keeps
squeezing and wiping and wiping and sqeezing...and
typing.  I'll have to remember not to use that
keyboard next time.  Anyway, I have a student named
Masaki whom I adore.  He has benn taking English
classes FOREVER and he NEVER seems to progress (kinda
like my ma practicing the same song on the piano every
day for a year and never getting any better...love
you, Ma!). What makes him so cute is that he tries SO
HARD.  He studies at home all the time and comes to
class on a regular basis and really puts forth a lot
of effort.  Anyway, I really enjoy him and I had him
yesterday when I taught at Chofu Kita-guchi.  At the
end of our lesson, I told him that I may not see him
again because I would not be there next week (I am
taking next Wednesday off to pick Amber up) and I
would be leaving for the U.S. soon after. I told him
that if I did not see him again, it was nice meeting
him. Masaki dug deep within himself and pulled out all
the American sayings he could think of from his
limited repertoire..."That's life!...Have a nice
life!...Good luck with new life!" I didn't stop to
explain that "Have a nice life!" is usually followed
by a slamming of the door when one angry lover leaves
the other. I knew what he meant, he was wishing me
well with all the words he knew how; I love Japanese
people. (My favorite pupil, Masaki)

Letters from Japan: 10/9/02 "Buttery Nipples Ain't Just a Shot"

I am just going to start writing, them decide if what I have written is worth sending. Think of it as a kind of "stream-of-conscious" writing (or is it stream-of-conscience???) I have had three more Japanese twin sightings. A few days ago, I saw Marky Mark's Japanese twin, Julie from "The Love Boat"'s Japanese twin (remember Captain Stubing's daughter...how do you spell 'Stubing' anyway?), and my cousin's Japanese twin. I wonder if I will find my Japanese twin before I leave...

OK, more on stupid TV shows. About 2 weeks ago, I was flipping through the channels at night like I ALWAYS do, looking for SOMETHING to keep me company. I was channel-surfing when suddenly a hairy nipple appeared on the TV screen. Of course, I had to stop and investigate the situation. The next thing I see is a butter knife smearing peanut-butter (more commonly referred to as 'penis-butter') on this big hairy nipple. The camera pans back and I see this guy laying on his back on the sidewalk with a bunch of guys dressed as cowboys standing around him. And one guy (dressed in regular clothing) has a dog on a leash standing nearby. Once the guy finishes smearing the other guy with penis butter, the true fun begins...UNLEASH THE HOUNDS!!! The dog runs over and begins licking the peanut-butter off the guy. Meanwhile, I am watching in awe, trying to figure out what the hell I am witnessing. The guy just lays there very still while this dog goes to town, licking him like he's never been licked before (by babe OR beast). Finally, the guy flinches and a buzzer goes off. This insanity I have just witnessed is a GAME SHOW!!! (I still haven't figured out the cowboys...)

OK, That's all I got. I could tell you about the Hot-tub guys (remember the guys who run all over town in towels going from hot tub to hot tub with 3 young chicks in towels?) but it is just too dumb. I'll just tell you that that show was on AGAIN the other night and it was actually "The Best Of..." show and it showed a bunch of clips from the show's "funniest" moments. I couldn't believe a show like THAT could have a "Best Of" show. That's like having a "Best of Home Shopping Network" special. As much as I love Japanese folks, I don't think I will ever completely understand what makes them tick.

OK, I am leaving. I'll write again tomorrow from Virgin Records...maybe. Write soon, love me

Letters from Japan: 10/6/02 "Mr. Shuffles"

Hey kids,

I was going to be cheap today and skip e-mailing but it is an addiction so here I sit with once again when I should be at the park socializing with my fellow co-workers. Anyway, I will attempt to fill you in on our second day in Hakone...

As my luck goes, the next day was a BEAUTIFUL day. The sky was clear and the sun was shining but instead of taking a second stab at seeing Mt. Fuji, Michael and I decided to shop for gifts until it was time to catch our train back to Shinjuku. One store we went into had many wooden boxes and wooden carvings with all kinds of designs on them. The boxes were neat because they were the kind that you could not open unlesss you knew the secret "code" to get in. You have to slide different parts of the box different directions to get to the secret compartment. Some boxes only required 4 "slides" to get it open, others required 8 or 12 "slides" or maneuvers. The place was not memorable because of the wooden boxes, though.. It was memorable because of the little old Japanese man that owned the shop. His shop was kind of off the beaten path so I don't think he got visitors very often. Anyway, he had about 8 hairs on his head (4 on each side) and 5 teeth in his mouth and he shuffled about the store in his slippers. He noticed our interest in the wooden boxes and quickly came over to give a demonstration. He said something to me and I said my standard, "Nihongo ga wakarimasen." (means I don't understand Japanese). I might as well have been talking to a Jehovah's Witness because he just kept on yapping in Japanese. Then he grabbed a wooden box and began his chant as he twirled the box about in his little wrinkly brown hands... "ICHI, NI, SAN, SHI!" And the box opened. He closed it again, then..."ICHI, NI, SAN, SHI!" Again, he unlocked the box with four fast finger maneuvers...."ICHI, NI, SAN, SHI!!!" Then he picked up a different box..."ICHI,NI,SAN,SHI,GO,ROKU, NANA, HACHI. The man was on a roll! He's outta control! "ICHIN,NI,SAN,SHI,GO, ROKU, NANA, HACHI! We couldn't stop him! I don't know how the madness ended but a new kind of madness was just around the corner...

Michael picked out a few different boxes, then he found a wooden geshi doll for his sister in a display cabinet next to the register and some other wooden toy that he found at the front of the store. I am giving you these "location" details for a reason. None of the gifts had prices on them. The price was written on a piece of paper that was taped on the shelf over each area. So now this little old man has to add up his customer's purchase...( 3 small wooden boxes, 4 big wooden boxes, a doll and one wooden toy). And so it began...shuffle,shuffle,shuffle over to the small wooden box counter, check the price, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle back to the register. Oh, big boxes have a different price... shuffle, shuffle, shuffle over to the big wooden box counter, get the price, shuffle shuffle, shuffle back. Oh, the doll...shuffle, shuffle, shuffle over to the cabinet, check price...shuffle, shuffle, shuffle back. Then he pulls out an ABACUS to add it all up! Oh, Michael also wants the wooden toy at the front...shuffle, shuffle, shuffle to the front of the store... check the price, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle back. OH! Now he has forgotten the price of the 3 small wooden boxes...Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle back to the small wooden box counter and shuffle, shuffle, shuffle back to the register and slide a few things around on the abacus...what was the price on the 4 big wooden boxes? Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle back to the big wooden boxes, shuffle back to the register. Start over on the abacus. Oh, how much is the wooden doll?... Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, to the cabinet, check price, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle back to the register... I won't kill you anymore with this story, just know that this man LITERALLY shuffled back and forth between the toy counter, the big wooden box counter, the small wooden box counter, and the display cabinet and the register FIVE TIMES! And the only reason that number isn't MORE than FIVE is because I had to put a stop to the insanity. I finally whipped out a pen and added it all up on paper and showed it to him. Since he did not speak any English, we went back and forth talking in our own language trying to tell each other the total but as it turned out, we were saying the same thing (although he was giving us a 10 yen price break...that's like 10 cents). But the whole experience was one of those things that was so comical, you just had to love the man. So Michael took a picture of me and Mr. Shuffles afterward. This one is going in the photo album.

Once again, I have rambled on for too long about one dumb thing so I cannot finish my Hakone Day 2 story, but that just means I have material for next time! Write soon. Love me

Letters from Japan: 10/5/02 "Tempura, Teacups, and Bondage"

HELLO!

I just got back from dinner with Kazuko, and she didn't sell me into sex-slavery! After work, I went outside and waited for a man to recognize me and have me follow him into a nearby department store. See, we are not allowed to fraternize with our students so Kazuko and I have to have a clandestine meeting. Since other Nova teachers would recognize her, she had to send her husband to get me, then he took me into the department store where she was waiting. The three of us exited the back of the store and walked to the other side of Chofu station and went to the 7th floor of another department store where we had a wonderful dinner at a Japanese tempura restaurant. It was the kind of place where you take your shoes off and climb up onto a platform and sit on cushions around a low table. Our dinner lasted THREE HOURS!!! I ate more than I have in a month (accept for Hakone French dinner). It wouldn't have taken that long but Kazuko and her husband really loved to talk and they were competing with each other to talk to me. They reminded me of my aunt and uncle because they both would talk to me at the same time but eventually, one of them would back down and let the other one talk (UNlike my aunt and uncle). I think there were about 10 courses to our meal and about 10 carafes of sake. He kept filling my little glass. Later, he told me that it was Japanese custom to fill their guest's drink whenever it would get to the halfway point. The sake was actually good. It was fruity tasting (not like the sake I tried in the U.S. that tasted like warm rubbing alcohol). At the end of dinner (and dessert and coffee and tea), they handed me a present (I haven't opened it yet, but they told me it is 2 tea cups and a tea pot, a customary Japanese wedding gift). I took pictures with them so hopefully those will turn out. They were just the sweetest people. Kazuko is almost blind and she was so cute. She kept wanting to hold onto my arm instead of her husband's. She reminded me of my grandma. Her husband used to be the president of a company which had a "daughter company" in Knoxville, Tennessee so he used to travel to Knoxville once a month for a year or two (he is retired now). I told them that I want them to meet my sister so maybe we will have dinner together again when Amber comes.

In other news, I got my haircut yesterday and Miho did a really good job. It was cute because one of the other hairstylists came over to Miho while she was blow-drying my hair and said something to her. They talked back and forth for a minute, then Miho said, "She wants to blow-dry your hair, is that ok?" I said "sure," so she took a stab at it and ended up sucking my hair up into the vent of the blow-dryer within the first 30 seconds of taking over. I didn't mind because I could tell she felt horrible, she was so excited to brush a foreigner's hair. It's those "simple" pleasures in life, ya know? Kinda like my tee-shirt with Kanji writing...or my Japanese astronaut student.

A quick story before I leave (I'll have to save the rest of my Hakone stories for another day...) When I told Paul about Miho, he said that he used to date a girl named Miho but he hated introducing her to people. I was thinking, "Why, was she ugly? Did she have gunky brown teeth? Was she knock-kneed?" No. He was embarrassed because the way you pronounce Miho is "me-ho" and if you put the accent on the wrong syllable, it sounds like you are calling her your whore..." Hi, this is me ho." I found that to be very funny. Japan is FILLED with comedy. It ain't hard to find a laugh around here. Maybe that is why I don't mind the staggering drunks and the crowded trains and the cockroaches. There is a natural kind of comedy about this place. I'll miss it.

OK, just wanted you all to know that I am not dead or being sexed to death. Write soon. Love me
(Me, Miho, and the girl who sucked my hair into the blow dryer...not in that order)

(Me, Kazuko, and her hubby)

Letter from Japan: 10/4/02 "Hakone: The Japanese Synonym for Hell"

OK, I decided to break up the e-mails into parts because that last one was really long and I didn't want to scare you off. I'll just break it off into bite-size pieces for you. Just like how your ma used to cut your meat up for you...

OK, Day 2:
Michael and I get up at 7:30 am to catch our train to Hakone. (I am rather proud of myself for pulling that whole thing together.) We get ready and head out the
door to find that it is RAINING! Of all the freaking days to be crappy, NOW IS NOT THE DAY! But we already have our tickets and our hotel reserved so rain be damned, we are going! We get to the train station in Shinjuku and find our train to Hakone without much fuss. I have paid a little extra to ride in the "Romance Car" and what I have found is that Japanese folks have a TOTALLY DIFFERENT idea of what "Romance" means. Maybe the meaning got lost in the translation and what they THINK romance means is "Burning flames of hell." What else do you call a train car full of
loud drunken Japanese businessmen and 5 squealing kids? "Burning Flames of Passion?" More like "Burning Flames of Hemorrhoids." Fortunately, (there is a
fortunately here), the businessmen get off at the first stop. Now Michael is getting thirsty because we really didn't take time for breakfast. The server-lady keeps walking by us but she is too quick to grab and Michael is having difficulty yelling "Sumimasen!" So after about 45 minutes, I decide to go wrestle her to the ground to get a drink. I jump up and follow her to the back car where she keeps disappearing to. She seems a bit surprised but too bad, give me a Coke! I buy a can of Coke that is the size of the cardboard in a toilet paper roll for 200 yen. I return to Michael victorious with my toilet paper roll.

We get to Hakone about 1.5 hours later. Our first mission is to find our hotel so we can drop off our suitcases. We can't check in until 6:00pm but we can't ride around Hakone with all our worldly possessions so we see if they can store them for us until we can check in. We find our hotel without a problem and ask about check in and baggage storage. They have me sign a couple things and ask what we want for dinner, we have our choice of Chinese, Japanese, or French. Dinner? I told the travel again lady that I didn't want dinner included in our package because it was a million more dollars. But now they are giving it to us (maybe I paid for it after all...) so we decide on French food (since I need a break from Chinese and Japanese). We fill out all the necessary stuff and head back to the train station to begin our sight-seeing tour...in the fog and rain. We get on another train that seems to be going up the mountainside forever. Michael is so sick of planes, trains,
and automobiles by now, he is about to scream. So we get off at a place that has a Picasso Open Art Garden. That sounds cool, Art in the Park...We find the place
and I'm sure it is quite a sight...if you could see through the fog. Instead, we head into the store where they have all sorts of gifts and funky, cool stuff. We ohhh and ahhh at a bunch of stuff, but I just end up walking out with a tee-shirt that says "Japan" in Kanji (I have been craving a tee-shirt with Kanji on it ever since my disappointing tee-shirt experience with Hiroki). So we leave and decide to
attempt to take a few pictures in front of of the Open Art Garden place next to this huge funky water fountain. I think the pictures really captured the "essence" of our day...

From there, we caught the next train and from there, we caught the cable car that took us further up into the mountains. We got off at the top and hit a few
more souvenir shops. Pretty much, they all had the same crap so that was getting depressing. One of the last places we went to had a postcard machine that was pretty cool. It had pictures of scenery all over Hakone and you take a picture in the booth and it super-imposes your picture on the card so you look like you are standing next to Mt. Fuji. Since we couldn't get any REAL pictures, we decided to have a postcard made. Now this sounds like a simple tasks, but read on and you shall see how Tenacious C had to come to the rescue again. We climbed behind the
curtain and all I had was paper yen which the machine did not take. So Michael and I decided to pay for our souvenirs first so we had change to put in the machine. So we climbed back out and paid for our stuff and came back. I put my 500 yen piece in the machine (it cost 400 yen). The machine only takes 100 yen coins so I have to run back out and ask the sales clerk for change for my 500 yen piece. I run back to
the machine and put in the four 100 yen pieces. FINALLY!!! NOW, to create our postcard masterpiece!...OK, what is this? THE DIRECTIONS ARE WRITTEN IN KANJI!!! I poke my head out of the curtain to find a poor, unsuspecting Japanese person to come read to us..."Sumimasen. SUMIMASEN!" The old lady standing 10 feet away pretends like she can't hear me. I exit the machine ONCE AGAIN to go in search of help. I find a guy and say my usual, "Anatawa eigo ga warimas ka?" He looks at me and in plain English says, "Yeah, I speak English." KUSO! This guy is an American in a
Japanese man's body! I feel dumb..."Can you read Kanji?" "Not really" but he follows me back to the machine and another Japanese guy senses our confusion and joins us. Now we have 4 people piled behind this tiny blue curtain all trying to figure out this machine. The other Japanese guy knows enough English to assist us so we pick out what background we want and take the picture. The machine takes 60 seconds to develop the picture on screen and we have the option to try again if we don't like it. I look like Popeye with one squinted eye so I want to do it again. We hit "Cancel" and MORE Kanji pops up on the screen. Japanese man to the rescue again. He tells us what it says and presses the right button for us and we take another picture and AGAIN, I do the Popeye thing! What is up with that? So we need the Japanese guy to help again but this time, we don't have to ask because he has decided to stand right outside the curtain and wait for our pleas for help. The THIRD picture is taken and fortunately, this one is the best. Fortunately, I say, because then the computer boots you out, you only get 3 shots to get it right. We
wait 60 seconds and the machine spits out our postcard, happy to be rid of us.

I'll skip all the stories about out rides on the ropeways and sight-seeing ship because you basically already know how that went. It was just one ride after another through a thick white cloud (although that didn't stop Michael from taking pictures...)

So we get back to the hotel (after cutting our trip short...we skipped the "scenic walk" because it was already almost pitch black by that time). We make our way back to the hotel, excited to relax for an hour before dinner. We get to the front desk and the guy tells us that they made a mistake and that dinner was NOT included in our package but they kept our reservation if we want to pay. Michael says we will
just pay, that is fine. We don't feel like leaving the hotel in search of a decent meal. So we get our stuff and a cute little Japanese girl shows us to our
room...our room with two twin beds...

Could this trip possibly get any worse? That is the question that always tempts fate and I think we did just that. We take a nap, then head down to dinner.
I am laughing as I write this because it is so sad, you just have to laugh. We walk into the restaurant and the hostess seats us and hands us our menus. The menus are written in French and the only thing that I CAN read is the price...8,500 yen...gulp(roughly $85 bucks a plate.) But price is not the only issue here. We have bigger issues. We can't read the menu and the wait-staff can't speak English. The waitress struggles to understand my question of "What is this" as I point to different words on the menu. Meanwhile, a waiter decides he is going to help out and begins trying to "assist" Michael with his menu. So for the next ten
minutes, we go back and forth with our respective wait-staff and Michael is looking across the table at me like "Get me the hell out of here!" We finally end up ordering to the best of our collaborative ability and now we wait...

The first course comes and I wonder "Is this $85 bucks???" I have seen those fu-fu dinners before where you pay a million dollars and get two turds of meat on your plate with a splash of hollandaise sauce and a sprig of parsley. Was this it??? Now Michael is looking sicker by the minute because this golf-ball size serving of mystery meat is raw. But i dive in because I am starving. I have eaten raw salmon before and it is not bad. As it ends up, this raw piece of fish is covering a ball of crab meat and it is actually decent tasting (at least I think). Michael didn't like his mystery meat so I get two servings. The next course was some really lame soup with two or three tiny cubes of carrots and potatoes hiding at the bottom. Then came a VERY thin piece of fish that I THOUGHT was my main dish...good thing I filled up on bread! So I finish and feel sorry for Michael thinking they brought him the wrong thing (he doesn't care for fish but he won't let me tell the waitress to take it back) but as it turns out, that was just ANOTHER course to our 6 course meal. They finally bring out the main course but I am already full. FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I HAVE BEEN IN JAPAN, I AM FULL! I try to eat the whole thing, but I can't. I can't even eat dessert! The waitress seems so disturbed that I turned down my dessert that she sends out a lady with the dessert on a tray anyway, just to make
ABSOLUTE sure that I don't want it. It is only a little tart about the size of the mystery meat ball appetizer but they really wanted me to eat it. But I passed and sent the jilted waitress back to the kitchen with her tart.

OK, as much fun as I am having rehashing our weekend from hell, I have to get going. Miho is cutting my hair in an hour and I have to make sure I give myself
enough time to find this place...to be continued...maybe.

Love me

Letters from Japan: 10/4/02 Riddle of the Morning Knocker/Day 1

YAAAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNNNN!

Why am I yawning, you ask? I had the pleasant
experience of being awakened this morning on my ONE
DAY OFF by a knock-knock-knockin' at my door. Before
you read the answer to "Who was it?" take a
guess...who will find you no matter where you hide?
Let me give you another hint...the first words out of
her mouth were, "We are here to talk about how to
share encouraging words with others." Now granted,
this is not the USUAL opening line, but it may have
been tweaked a bit by Japanese folks. I shared a few
encouraging words of my own with her and closed the
door (not really, but it sounded funny, I just said
that now is not a good time). Now if you still
haven't guessed, consider yourself fortunate or well
hidden. OK, one more guess..."Watch Tower"...YES!
Japanese Jehovah's Witnesses! AUGH!!! After that
disturbing experience, I couldn't go back to sleep so
I decided to get up and make my way to Virgin Records
to begin composing my LOOOONG e-mail about my
adventures with Michael.
I hopped the train to Chofu and got off to wait
for the express train to Shinjuku. I was only on the
platform for 2 minutes before an American came up to
me and immediately the hairs on the back of my neck
stood up..."Have you heard about the 'Truth?'" WHAT?!
ANOTHER ONE?!!! They are invading Japan like
COCKROACHES! I said, "Yeah, I know all about the
truth. The truth is, you people are really pissin' me
off (again, I didn't really say that, but it would
have been funny). I did tell her that some of her
friends already paid me a visit this morning and I
wasn't interested in what they had to say. Of course,
like any good sales-person, she pressed on to find out
what I knew about Jehovah's Witnesses and I told her
my biological father is one and he is a big fat loser
like all other weak-brained "Witnesses" (again...I
exaggerate...) At this point, I think she knew that
she was fighting a losing battle but she didn't know
how to walk away gracefully so she decided to fumble
through her "encouraging" words until the express
train came. I wanted to tell her that a lot of truth
can be found in some good saki but instead I got on
the train and was thankful that my accostment (made-up word) was
short-lived.
OK, there is not much of a segue here because
this originally was just going to be all about
Michael's visit so now I am just going to switch gears
and go back to last Friday. Michael's plane was
arriving at 4:00pm and i had no clue how to get to the
airport so I decided to start the journey at noon. I
could have taken the Narita Express directly to the
airport and not worried about a thing but I was
feeling cheap (it costs $30 just to get there) and
adventurous so I was going to figure out a way to get
there just riding the cheap trains. I decided that I
would be SMART about it though and take along my EXTRA
LARGE map of the JR lines. This was a map that NOVA
gave to me when I first came here. So off I went with
my huge map in a plastic bag (it was too big to fit in
my purse) and my umbrella (it was a miserable day).
The first train was easy, just hop a train to
Shinjuku. But then it started to get tricky. There
are many trains that leave from Shinjuku and the real
trick was finding the one that went east. The first
train I got on went by the first stop and I looked at
my map to see that I was going in the right direction,
but by the second stop, I discovered I was going
south, so I jumped off the train, went back to Shijuku
and said, "OK, let's try this again..." I walked
around until I found the Chuo line and hopped on
again. Well, this train was a local train and stopped
at EVERY stop. At this rate, it will take FOREVER to
get there. So I hop off a couple stops down to catch
the express train. I find the express train and jump
on and pull out my map. as it turns out, the express
line bypasses the next station that I need to go to,
so I have to get off the train and go back and catch
the local one again so that i can get to the correct
station. Now once I am at this last station, I breath
a sigh of relief knowing that I will be riding this
train all the way to the last train that will take me
to the airport. I didn't sleep a wink the night
before, so I find a nice seat and close my eyes,
knowing that I have a long ride ahead of me. i don't
need to pay attention to things for a while...or so I
thought. After about 20 minutes, I realize that the
train has been stopped at this particular station for
quite a while. I open my eyes and look around and
ONCE AGAIN, I find that I am the only person sitting
on the train (how does this keep happening to me?) I
jump up and as I am about to get off, I look to my
right and in the other car, I see someone sitting
there. So I decide that maybe I am OK after all, and I
sit back down. About 2 minutes later, a few more
people get on and the train closes its doors and I
close my eyes and take a breath, ready to continue
with my cat nap. OK, wait a minute. Something
doesn't feel right. Are we going in the opposite
direction? The next station we come to sounds very
familiar..IT'S FAMILIAR BECAUSE WE JUST STOPPED THERE
10 MINUTES AGO!!!!!! The train is heading back to
Shinjuku! HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN???!!! So I
jump off at the next stop and wait for the next train
and go BACK to where I had just come from and realize
that even though the map shows the train line going
all the way to Chiba, IT LIED!!! I have to hop
another train across the platform to get to Chiba.
OK, now I am on the right train, but I think I'll keep
my eyes open for the rest of the way. I finally make
it to the LAST train stop before the Narita Airport
train that goes directly to the airport. But unlike
all the other trains that come by every 5 minutes or
so, this train only comes by every HOUR! So I have 40
minutes to wait in the freezing cold. I pull out my
map to inspect the situation again. Ihe immensity of
my map draws attention and soon I have a Canadian guy
asking me about it. He said that the only maps he can
find are written in Kanji and Hiragana. He writes
down the phone number on my map so he can call and
order himself one and we begin to talk. He says he is
in Japan just exploring, having life adventures (how
can so many kids afford to do that these days?) I
tell him about Michael and how we are going to Hakone
and he pulls out his map to try to find Hakone. He
decides to ask the old Japanese lady next to us where
Hakone is on his map. So she starts talking to us
until their train comes. We say our good-byes and
they get on their train. I turn my back and start
looking for my train, hoping that there is a mistake
in the schedule and that I won't have to wait 40
minutes. A minute later, I hear, "Excuse me" and I
turn around to see the same little Japanese lady that
I was just talking to. Apparently, her train is on a
schedule so it is sitting there for 5 or 10 more
minutes, so she has decided to come back out and talk
with me. She is so cute. She tells me that she used
to teach English for many years at a high school until
her husband got sick. She tells me that she is very
excited to talk with me and practice her English with
an American. We talk until the last boarding call and
she thanks me for talking to her and tells me that I
am a very nice person. And she climbs on her train
and leaves.
Fifteen minutes later, my train comes and I climb
on thinking- MAN, this train is WAY better than all
those trains I have been riding...nice, plush seats
that recline...aaaahhhhh! I think I will take another
cat nap...then, five minutes into my ride..."Ticket
please!" WHAT? What do you mean TICKET? I fumble
through my purse and show him what I KNOW is not the
ticket he wants and he gestures for me to get up and
follow him. I am booted to the cheap seats in the
adjoining car, treated like a second class citizen, a
peasant, if you will, a stupid foreigner trying to
sneak into the luxury section. All the other peasants
turn to see who this outlaw is, this curious American
being escorted out of the luxury car and into the
cheap seats. I find a seat on the familiar orange
velvet bench seat, trying to look confident and
unaffected. HOW WAS I TO KNOW?
What should have taken me about 2 hours was a 4
hour ordeal but I managed to make it to the airport
before Michael climbed off the plane. I find Michael
with no problem and we get his money converted into
yen and find the Narita Express to take us back to
Shinjuku. I have decided not to take the cheap route
back with Michael. He may kill me before we reach the
station. He says he doesn't mind paying extra to just
take a direct train so we buy our tickets (which only
ended up being $16 a piece. I thought they were more
expensive...) We find our way to the Narita Express
platform and hang out for a while until the train
comes. Again, this train is much more luxurious than
all the trains I have been hopping on and off of all
day and once again, I sink into a comfy seat, this
time, without guilt because we have paid the piper up
front...or so we thought...
Ten minutes into the ride..."Tickets, please!"
We pull out our tickets and we are in the wrong
section, AGAIN! But instead of being banished to the
peasant section, the guy rings up a few things on his
handy-dandy little piece of hand-held electronic
equipment and tells us to give him a million more
dollars (actually about $40 or $50 more). Michael
says not to worry about it and pays and we stay in our
plush seats and talk and relax the rest of the way
(accept for when Michael thought he was going to get
motion sickness from the train). And so begins our
first day together.

Letters from Japan: 8/31/02 More Tales About Absolutely Nothing

Hi Kids!

I had a whole list of things that I wanted to write about but of course it is at home. The big news is that I now have the skinny on the seal...his name is Tomachan and he has made his way into some REALLY polluted lake. The big controversy is whether or not they should try to remove him from the crappy water. They have decided to leave him alone and keep an eye on him to see if his health starts to deteriorate. I'm sure you have all been on the edge of your seats waiting for THAT bit of news...

What else...OH, the Ghost of Cockroach Past paid a visit to me last night. When I walked into the house, I thought I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye race into the silverware drawer. Sure enough, IT WAS HIM! He came back to haunt me. This time, I knew what to do though. I am mastering the art of coackroach killing, although I still refuse to squish him. But after a few laps around the couch-like-thing on the kitchen floor, I had him sprayed and sprawling on his back, gasping for one last breath. Then I swept him outside. I haven't checked on him today but there is a typhoon coming again so maybe he will get washed away.

After many hours of e-mailing yesterday, I treated myself to a somewhat expensive dinner. I was bound and determined to be satiated by at least ONE meal while I am here. So not only did I have a main course, I also had soup and dessert! The place was kind of cool. It was on the 3rd or 4th floor of a big department store over the train station. I think it was called the Green Tea Room. It was the Japanese version of a nice Italian restaurant and it overlooked Shinjuku. One whole wall is just a huge window so I asked for a window seat so I could people-watch while I waited for my meal. I am getting used to doing things by myself. Lots of people eat alone here, too, so it does not feel that weird. So that was my big eventful evening yesterday. Never did make it to the Emperial Gardens.

I had one breakthrough yesterday. I was walking down the street in Shinjuku and I saw a taxi along the side of the street and it was slowly rolling forward. It scared me at first because, at first glance, it looked like the driver had fallen asleep. He looked like he was about 50 or 60 years old and he had both arms wrapped around the steering wheel and his head resting on his arms. All you could see was 2 eyes peering over his arms. I looked at him as I was walking until I realized that he was not sleeping, then I smiled at him because the poor guy looked pathetic and tired and bored out of his gourd. So I just kept walking and smiling at him and then, all of a sudden, HE WAVED!!! Yes, a stranger WAVED at me! If you recall from a previous e-mail, I told you that strangers don't acknowledge you here, it is not their custom and that really bothered me. I mean, even if you attempt to smile at them, they look away before you can complete the smile. I know this sounds uneventful to you but it made me smile all the way to McDonalds.

Speaking of McDonalds, I mentioned McDonalds during one of my lessons and my 3 students looked at me and each other like they had never heard of the place. I'm thinking, How could you not have heard of the place, they are on every corner. For every cockroach, there is a McDonalds! Then, when I made the sign of the arch, they said ,"OH! Mick-doe-nel-dose (with an accent on the "nel")!!! I said, "WHAT? What are you guys, Italian?" And they all laughed. I don't know if they laughed because they understood what I meant or they just figured I was teasing them so they went along with it. So if you ever come to Japan and you are looking for a McDonald's, say it with an Italian accent and they will point you in the right direction.

The boner-boy is back! Last night I was restlessly flipping through the channels and that one dumb show that I told you about was on AGAIN! This time, the two guys and the girl where on the beach spying on some girl. And as usual, they did close-up, freeze-frames on her butt (but she was wearing jeans). Then, when it got dark, the girl and her friends had sparklers that they were lighting and waving around on the beach. So they sent in boner-boy in his red shorts and sparklers. He danced all around waving the sparklers and sporting a woody and everyone laughed (even me, this time) and I wondered to myself how many times I could watch this show and laugh. Do boners ever stop being funny? I guess I might be able to answer my own question before I leave Japan. I'll let you know (that is, if the show doesn't get canceled before then).

OK, I'm off to Mickdoeneldoes (McDonald's). Thanks for the e-mails, keep'em coming!

Love me

Letters from Japan: 8/30/02 Crisco and Japanese Twin Virgins

Hey Kids,

(I feel like I should apologize up front for the title.
It's really not what it sounds like. Just a "clever"
combination of subjects contained in this letter.
Blame Corey if you don't care for the titles. He
wanted them!)

Well, today I was going to go to the Imperial Gardens
but obviously, I came to the internet cafe instead.
My friend Chris was making fun of me last night for
being a loser at the cafe everyday instead of seeing
the sights so I decided last night that I would go to
the Imperial Gardens instead. That was actually the
plan until I went to Chofu to find the post office. I
decided it was so miserably hot that I would not enjoy
myself. The air here can be so hot and humid, it's
like trying to breath in cheese instead of air. I
don't know how many of you ever had the joy of working
the frier at Burger King but being outside for any
extended period of time leaves your face feeling much
like that of working the frier for a double shift.
Your skin gets this layer of sweat and oil that is
indescribable. I didn't know my skin could PRODUCE
this texture of oil. It's like a thin layer of
Crisco. By the end of the day, I completely disgust
myself. So I am passing on the Gardens today. I'll
save that for when Michael comes. We can be Crisco
Kids together.

So last night, I'm walking around Shinjuku waiting for
my friends to get off work. I figured they'd come
meet me here because this is the hap'nin place. Down
the road from the train station, there is usually some
type of musical entertainment on the street and last
night there ended up being a really cool ska band
playing. They had saxophones, trumpets, other horns
and all the basic stuff like drums, keyboards,
guitars, bass guitars. They were SO GOOD! A huge
group of people were gathered around. Just as I
discovered them, they get cut off by the police.
Apparently, you can't amplify anything. It all has to
be unplugged stuff so after one song, they got shut
down. I was a bit disappointed because I LOVE good
music but I decided to go shop in the GAP. You would
not believe how expensive the Gap is here. A pair of
pants costs $80.00!!! FROM THE GAP!??? GEEZ! So I
exited that place real quick. Then Chris called me to
say he was off work and to just meet in Chofu because
it was cheaper. Apparently, he has been partying a
bit too much and it running out of yen. We don't get
paid until the middle of next month.

So I caught the train to Chofu and met Chris. Poor
Paul missed the exit so he decided to keep on going
home. We all STILL struggle with train navigation.
So I found Chris and we went to go find some musicians
to listen to in the park. One guy with a guitar ran
over to us and said, "HEY, I SPEAK ENGLISH!" We ended
up chatting with him (his name is Hiroki) for the rest
of the night. He lived in Georgia for a year (he is
Japanese) so his English was pretty good. He taught
me a few swear words...and now I will pass the wisdom
on to you...kuso (pronounced kso!) means shit. That
is the only one I remember but it is a good one. The
kind of knowledge you can't gain from books is always
good stuff. Anyway, he was really cool to talk to. He
has a band that will be performing in October so he
invited us to that. He is only 18 so he was cute, very
curious what I thought about Japanese men and
women...do I think Japanese women are pretty? Do I
think he has a flat head? Do I think he looks like
Ian Tharpe (the Australian swimmer that Japanese
people IDOLIZE)? He was funny. So we yapped in the
park for about 2.5 hours, then we headed home. He is
going to look for a book for me that has all the Kanji
in it with English definitions. It is so hard to read
signs here because they combine 3 different writing
systems (hiragana, katakana, and kanji) They toss it
all together like tossed salad so even if you did
learn hiragana, you would still not be able to read
signs because they mix it with katakana and kanji.
That is why I have not even tried to learn any of the
writing.

It's funny. The longer I am here, the more "famous"
people I see. So far, I have seen a Japanese version
of John Devner, Robert Deniro, and Jane Seymour.
These people aren't TRYING to look like these
celebrities, they just DO. You know how they say we
all have a twin in this world? Well, now I am
convinced that we all have Japanese twins as well. I
have seen more, but those are the only ones I can
remember at the moment. I wish I could have taken a
picture of John Devner, though. YOu would have all
gotten a good laugh. It's nuts.

Another funny observation, people here wear tee-shirts
with American lingo on it but sometimes it doesn't
make any sense. For example, one guys shirt said
"World taste begins with this pack." WHAT? Another
girl"s shirt said "Let's have fun, Castboy." Another
girl's shirt said, "In the rainbow- the green into the
blue, the blue into the violet." There's a burger
joint next door to Virgin Records called Freshness
Burger. I called it Virgin Freshness on accident once
because I was telling my friend about the place and I
said, "I left Virgin Records" and walked next door to
"Virgin Freshness" for lunch. What the hell kind of
name is Freshness Burger??? If I had any shame, I
might have blushed at my mistake but instead, I
laughed my ass off. Nothing is better than cracking
YOURSELF up.

No more news, just had a man falling asleep on me on
the train yesterday. You ain't a true Jap until
you've fallen asleep sitting up on the train. It's
funny because EVERYONE sleeps on the train. They must
have all mastered the cat nap. You can look across
the train from you and see an entire row of people
with their heads bobbing around on their chests,
sometimes bumping into each other (like the man
yesterday bumping into me) If I hadn't moved my
shoulder, he would have plopped his head right down
there. I have to get a video camera...

OK, that's all for now. Maybe I will still make my
way to the Imperial Garden. I'll have to check the
temp. outside. Thanks for the e-mails. keep on
writing!
Love Rache

Letters from Japan: 10/2/2002 "The Japanese Astronaut"

OK, this is still not my day off but I thought I would share a few things with you...

I told you about how I play the question game as a warm up with my students (or maybe I didn't...) Anyway, there is this cube with the question words who, what, where, when, how, and why on each side (one word per side). The student rolls the dice and has to ask another student a question using that word. I get bored with this because my students always ask the same questions..."How do you come to Nova?" "What time do you wake up?" "Where do you live?" "Who are you?" I hear these questions ALL THE TIME! So to mix things up a bit and make them stretch their brain cells, I started telling each class that they could not ask a question that they have asked in the past. I told them I was bored hearing the same questions. So now that I have thoroughly explained that they are not allowed to ask boring questions, I am all set to hear these new, wonderful, thought-provoking questions...I motion to the first student to roll the dice and ask this new and improved question...he rolls the dice and it lands on "When"...and the question he asks is..."When did you get up this morning?"...................................................(crickets in the background....)

I let the question go because he obviously didn't get my motivational speech on stretching his brain cells to new dimensions. But I am tenacious (remember Tenacious C?), and I continue with my motivational speech/plea for stimulating questions. Enter Kenji. Kenji is about 19 or 20 and a low level student. I have learned not to expect much from my low level students because they are still grappling with the basics. But I give my motivational "stretch your brain" speech anyway in hopes that there is a god. And here is what I get...Kenji rolls the dice and it lands on "Why." Now this question is usually the most difficult for students to form a question with. And usually I end up hearing the same question..."Why do you study English?" But Kenji is taking me to task...he sits for a minute in silence and I can see the wheels turning...finally he asks..."Why did God make human beings?" WHAT?!?! HOLY KUSO! THE EAGLE HAS LANDED! After picking my chin up off the ground, I almost jumped over the table to hug him! I am sure that you all are thinking I have flipped my bean (and maybe I have...) but it is one of those things that maybe only teachers can understand, when a student finally goes where no other student has gone before. After that question, our questions and answers only got better. It was magical. Yes, I am a dork.

Well, I told you that I had things to tell you but I guess I only have that ONE thing and I will save the rest for Friday when I have lots of time to write about Hakone. My latest news is that now my big sis is coming to visit me in 2 weeks. This means MORE WRITING MATERIAL!!! OK, that is all, goodbye for now. Love me

Letters from Japan: 10/1/2002 "Hazed and Confused"

Hey kids,

This will be fast because there is too much to write about, I will need to write on my day off (if I don't go to Kamakura). Also, there is a typhoon coming. It is the biggest one to hit Japan since WWII. So my student warned me that if I leave the internet cafe at 10:00pm, I will "fry." What he meant is that I will "fly" because the winds are so strong that I will be blown away. Anyway, my "romantic" trip with Michael to Hakone was a bust. I will write in detail later but let me just say that the fog was so thick during our "sight-seeing tour" that I might as well have had cataracts. Just imagine the recorded voice of a tour guide saying, "And to your left is the majestical Mt. Fuji..." and I look to my left and all I can see is pure white virgin freshness (see previous e-mails for explanation) and maybe some Pringle crumbs on Michael's lower lip. So we had a recording of all the things we COULD be seeing IF it weren't for the fog. The ENTIRE sight-seeing tour was spent hopping from one mode of transportation to the next, traveling through a dense white cloud. I have decided that heaven might not be that cool of a place after all. It was so ridiculous, it was one of those times that I wished my mom and sister were there because we would have gotten the serious pee-your-pants laughs over the ridiculousness of it all.

Anyway, I will write more later about our adventures but that was the gist of our trip to Hakone. Write soon.

Love me
(This picture gives you a little flavor of our "sight-seeing" adventure)

Letters from Japan: 9/26/02: "Mamasaymamasamamakusa"

Originally titled "I can't think of a title because the people next to me are yapping..."

Hey Kids,

I thought I was going to take it easy today but Paul called last night to suggest we go to Asakusa instead of Kamkura. So I rolled out of bed at 10:00am (against the wishes of every fiber of my body) and caught the train to Shinjuku to meet him at Virgin Records (NOT Virgin Freshness). From there we jumped on the JR and went to Asakusa which ended up being very cool. I took a lot of pictures that I HAVE to get developed SOON so that I know that they turned out before I leave the country. When we first got off the train, I'm like, "Ah...did we even leave Shinjuku?" because it just looked like another HUGE city. But tucked away inside this modern-day-metropolis were these incredible ancient Japanese temples. This is what I had EXPECTED to see when I stepped off the plane a month ago. There was this big cauldron-looking-thing in the middle of the walk way between temples that people were standing all around waving their arms over. And smoke was pouring from the
cauldron. I asked Paul what that was all about. Apparently, you buy these sticks that are kinda like incense and they come in a bundle of about 10. You put them in the sand in the cauldron and they burn and give off a lot of smelly smoke and you rub the smoke all over you and it absolves you of bad stuff or brings you luck or something. Then inside the biggest temple, people were tossing coins into some funky
metal thing and praying (God don't work for free, you know) and beyond this pay-to-pray area, there was a huge, extravagantly decorated area where I think you
could pay extra to pray some more. It was awesome to look at but i don't know if my pictures turned out because there was a big fence-type-thing that separated the high-paying-holy-rollers from the cheap, coin-tossing chumps. But it was nice to finally see some ancient Japanese stuff and explore another part of Tokyo. I forgot that I felt like crap there for a while. Maybe I stood close enough to the burning
cauldron that the good-luck smoke cured me momentarily.

After Asakusa, we took a train to Ginza which is supposed to be like the Beverly Hills of Japan with expensive, fancy-shmancy stores. I don't even know why we went there because we spent more time waiting in line for the money machine than we did exploring the area. It was Paul's idea to go and his idea to leave so I just went along with whatever he felt like doing. He is a hard nut to crack, can't figure him out. He gave me a little insight the other day at lunch when he told me about his ex=girlfriend whom he is still in love with but has been broken up with for at least a year but still talks to almost everyday. He said he has been depressed for a long time but now he is perking up because she is showing signs of interest again. So that explains his darkness but it still doesn't explain the strange outbursts of goofiness he has. they aren't things I can explain, you just have to be there to understand what I mean about his goofiness. He just doesn't have any problem acting crazy in public. He took some pictures with his digital camera that he said he will forward me so maybe I will be able to send a few pictures of our adventures in Asakusa (everytime I say "Asakusa," I get that Michael Jackson song in my head that goes "Mama-say-mama-sa-mamakusa, mama-say-mama-sa-mamakusa!" Am I the only one?

When we got back to Shinjuku, I had Paul take me to the Odakyu travel booth and help me buy my tickets for Hakone. If this place is HALF as beautiful as the brochures, I may wet myself. Along with my tickets, I got free passes to ride all the different modes of transportation around Hakone which includes sight-seeing ships, gondolas, cable cars, and ropeways. Ropeways (for those who don't know...I
didn't know) are these ski-type things (like a ski-lift but it is a metal box you ride in) that carry you high above the land and up mountains on so you can get a bird's eye-view. The train you take to get to Hakone is called the "Romance" train so I guess this place is supposed to be really romantic. I'll spare you an details regarding that but in case you ever come to Japan with your love, I guess this is the
place to go.

I guess that is all for now. I am picking Michael up from the airport tomorrow afternoon (if I can find the train to get there) so you will be hearing from me
again in 4 or 5 days. Hopefully by then, Paul will have also sent pictures that I can e-mail to you.

Thanks for your e-mails!

Love Rachel
(Me and Paul in Asakusa...I think...)

Letters from Japan: 9/22/02 "Domo, Doko, Dodo"

Hey Kids,

I'm taking off for dinner soon but I didn't want to break my streak of writing emails so I thought I would tell you my quick DOKO story. It's nothing big, just more of my own stupidity. They are currently constructing that seat for me on all the trains next to the pregnant women and half-dead people. I think they will give me a drool catcher, too. OK, here goes. So I have decided to try to use at least a LITTLE Japanese while I am here. You know, at least say "thank you" in Japanese. How hard can it be? You don't have to say the whole "Domo arigato, Mister Roboto" phrase either. You can just say "domo"(Hiroki taught me that...remember the t-shirt guy?) So the other day I was in Family Mart (my home away from home) buying my usual (rice, eggs, and chocolate). I made my purchase and said my magic word after he handed me my change and bag. The conversation sounded like this to a Japanese person...

Cashier: "Three dollars is your change. Have a nice day."

Rachel: "Where?"

HUH??!! I didn't realize until AFTER the guy corrected me, and said "domo," that I had said "DOKO" which means "WHERE." I wonder how far away I was from the store before the guy burst out laughing. What an idiot! You would think that I could say ONE SIMPLE WORD in Japanese! Then I started wondering how many times I had made this embarrassing mistake. I don't even want to know. Let me continue to live in my own world of ignorant bliss...I quite like it here (do I sound British?)

OK, I'm getting hungry so we're heading out! OH! One more thing, my roommate is moving out in 2 days...YIPPEEE!! Fortunately, I get to spend 2 more exciting days and nights with her and Squirrel Boy. He is coming over tonight...I CAN'T WAIT! She is actually not that bad, she just doesn't have much of a personality so it's like rooming with a slug. A slug with a squirrel for a boyfriend. She can talk, though. She can actually talk quite a bit, just don't expect any comedy. The good thing is, she doesn't mind too much when I humor myself during the conversation, I think she may have even laughed once or twice this past month. But she hates teaching and she hates her students and she is struggling so I guess that may detract from a person's "fun factor" rating.

Ok, NOW I am done. Write soon.

Love Rachel

Letters from Japan: 9/25/2002 "See No Evil"

Hi Kids,

I came to the internet cafe tonight for one reason and one reason only, to find out info on my return flight and of course the woman hasn't gotten back with me so I am not a Happy-Jap. She has been e-mailing me every day for the past few days and the ONE day I do not feel up to being here, she doesn't e-mail me! I should be flying home in November. I gave my 30 day notice today. I guess that is my big news of the day.

Kazuko had a class with me today. She is the old blind woman who wanted to have me and Michael over for dinner. Instead, she and her husband are going to take me out to eat in 2 weeks. They are going to take me to some tempura place on the 12th floor of some building a few cities away. If you never hear from me again, I have been abducted and sold into sex-slavery. Just thought I should give you a heads-up. I say this because she said something odd to me when we were talking about
where to meet. She said something like, "Look beautiful." Why would she care what I look like unless she wants me to be eye-candy for her husband? Maybe she means that I should dress nice for the place they are taking me. Who knows, I just thought that was strange but she is a sweet old woman. Sometimes when Japanese people say things, they don't mean exactly what they say, but it is the best words they know to communicate with. Did that make sense? I think that was a very poorly constructed sentence but I don't feel like rewriting it because I am sick and have no patience tonight.

In other news, Paul and I may go to Kamakura tomorrow and go into big Buddha's belly and see old Japanese temples. But he is broke and I am sick so we may pass on that outing. I need to explore more before I leave but it's not much fun alone, especially when you get lost. Paul can speak Japanese so it is handy having him around.

I guess that is the latest. Now I will sit and wait for my mother's frantic e-mail about the million evil intentions Kazuko may have and how I had better do a background check on her before I get into a car with her. Love you, ma.

Write soon,

Rachel

(Me, Kazuko, and her husband)

Letters from Japan 9/24/02 "A Whole Lotta Nothin'"

Hi All,

I am sicker than a dog so this will be short and sweaty...

Last night after work a bunch of people went to Family Mart and bought some beers and sat in Chofu Park by the fountain and yapped for a while. You are allowed to drink in public so instead of going to an izakaya (a bar), people just buy their alcoholic beverages and sit in the park. That is not why I am sick, in fact, I did not even drink because I could feel myself coming down with something but I wanted to be social so I went along. There is always something going on in Chofu park, especially at night. People like to show off their musical talents (or lack thereof) so there is usually at least 4 or 5 "entertainers" and bands singing and playing there every night. One guy who is always there sings into an empty coke bottle and puts on a show like he is performing for an audience of 100,000 screaming fans. The other entertainment of the night was watching an old man pee for 10 minutes on a tree. I went home when it started to rain! , I figured I did not want to make myself sicker than I already was getting. Everyone else was die-hards and sat there hoping to wait it out.

My roommate moved out today and she managed to take the trash out. Let me explain why this was a notable event. Trash day is every day in Japan. One day is cans and bottles, another day it is cardboard, another day is plastics and "unburnables" and two days are burnables. The horrible thing is that you can't put your trash out at night, you have to set your alarm for 7:00am and take it out, so guess who has been being the responsible one... Well, you are WRONG! I have been the responsible one! She has not taken the trash out ONCE until today. She will apologize once a week for not taking out the trash but don't mistake that apology for any future intent on her part. So I guess she figured she would take it out FOR ONCE before she left. What a princess. I guess I figured Chinese folks were clean-freaks but she is just another Chinese hooligan that the Japanese police will end up wrestling down in the streets for doing hooligan things that Chinese people do here.

On a totally unrelated note, one of my students today said that she has been a hair stylist for 4 years and has studied hair-stylist-stuff for 3 months in France so I am going to get a free haircut from her sometime this week. So that is pretty cool.

Well, I guess that is my latest uneventful news. I'm sure it will get better once Michael gets here. We are going to go to Hakone which is were EVERYONE is suggesting I go. It is about 3 hours away from Tokyo and our hotel room will overlook Mt. Fuji and there are all sorts of hot-springs there and you can sit in some of them like hot-tubs so that should be cool. So like I said, my stories should be more eventful after this weekend. Feel free to skip over any e-mails I send before then. These are so boring, I am boring myself! But the compulsion to write is always there, like a disease, and you shall all suffer for it.

Love Rachel

Picture of the Japanese guy in Chofu park who sings into empty Coke bottles and dances like he's a rock star putting on a concert.

Letters from Japan: 9/21/02 "Words that Only Rhyme in Japanese"

Hi All,

I have 20 minutes to write so we will see if I can produce anything of literary value...

Last night I got a phone call and I thought it was the wrong number. Just as I was about to hang up, the voice said that I met him in Chofu park, then I remembered HIROKI! He is the teenager that Chris and I met in the park about 3 weeks ago. He has a band and they are playing in October and he invited us to come. Well, he called that night to remind me and I THOUGHT he said that he had a tee-shirt he wanted to give me. You know, like wear it and show your support for the band kinda thing? So he asked if I would meet him in the park the next morning for work to give me this tee-shirt. SURE (although this DOES require that I wake up BEFORE normal, which is not cool, but oh well.) So I get to Chofu park thinking he will be easy to find because there aren't many people in the park in the morning. Well, that was a mistake! The place was PACKED with people. It was kinda like "Take your kid to work" day but it was "Take your shit to the park" day. A MILLION people were there with all their worldly possessions, selling them for a buck. I guess it was a sort of flea market but it was mostly old clothes and toys and crap. So I walked around looking for Hiroki for a while and people-watched. One poor boy lost his mom and stood on the outskirts of the crowd screaming bloody murder... "MAAAAAAAAAAAAMA....MAAAAAAAAAAMA...MAAAAAAAAAMA!!!!!! I felt helpless because I could not help him, I couldn't communicate with him. He was about 3 years old and I am pretty sure he did not speak English. So I stood and watched to see if mother-hen would ever emerge from the crowd, beckoned by the agonizing screams of her little brown chick. Sure enough, she came within 3 minutes, just as he was cranking up the volume. Thank God.

So after that mini-drama drew to an end, I decided it was time to call Hiroki (I would never find him in this crowd.) I was really excited about getting my free tee-shirt that would surely have some cool Japanese print on it. When I called, Hiroki answered and said that he was running late. I told him that he could drop it off at my work if he wanted, just tell them it's for Rachel. So we agreed.

Well, about an hour into work, one of the office ladies comes back to the teachers' area and asks if I know a Hiroki. Yes! I DO! And I raced up to the front for my free concert tee-shirt; hopefully it was a white shirt maybe with black hiragana or kanji. Black tee-shirts just wash me out unless I have a tan. Or maybe it has a picture of his band, that would be cool, too. Instead, Hiroki stood there with 2 orange tickets in his hands. He didn't say TEE-SHIRT, he said TICKETS! And not only that, THEY AREN'T FREE! THEY COST $15.00 BUCKS EACH! And not only THAT, he wanted ME to buy BOTH tickets, one for ME and one for CHRIS! WHAT???? OK, we have a slight misunderstanding here, Hiroki. I won't even ASK about the free tee-shirt, because OBVIOUSLY, your poor pronunciation of the word "tickets" is the whole cause of mine own mental debacle. But now THOSE aren't even free??? (Of course I did not say any of this, I just told him that I had to work until 9pm that day so I did not want to buy tickets to a concert that I might not even be able to see). He ended up giving me the tickets and I told him I would pay him if I could come. And that was the end of that. You never know how much a free tee-shirt means to you until you have it YANKED right from under your nose. That sucked. Maybe life in Japan is getting too mundane for me now. Maybe it's NOT the hormones after all, it's BOREDOM! I suppose I need to go catch an Express train from Shinjuku to Chofu, life is NEVER boring on the good old JR Express (That stands for Japanese Railroad). Well, more than 20 minutes has passed since I started writing so I suppose it is time to go pay the piper. Keep the e-mails coming, it adds excitement to my otherwise boring life on this side of the earth. On the brighter side of things, Michael is coming in 6 days! I'm sure that will breath new life into things, which means BETTER WRITING MATERIAL FOR ME!!!!!

OK, that is all for now.

Love me

Letters from Japan: 9/15/02 "The Riddle of the Change Purse"

I have absolutely nothing to talk about but I have paid to check my e-mail so I am going to force myself to use the rest of my hour to write about SOMETHING! So I am not promising that any hilarity will ensue..

Friday, when I bought that blouse, I also found a cute little change purse. I thought it would be handy since yen is mostly coins (talk about a heavy purse!). So I bought the cute little change purse and raced home to dump all my coins into their new happy home. The problem came when I discovered that it did not hold many coins..WHAT KIND OF CHANGE PURSE IS THIS?! Upon opening it, I also discovered this strange round, black thing that was about as big as a gum-drop (if you whacked it in half) and attached to the change purse by a string. After some investigation, I realized that I could open this strange black gum-drop and inside I found a spongy orange thing. I pressed it with my finger tip and looked at my finger to find that the orange stuff was now on my finger. It was a sort of ink. HMMMMMM...maybe it's for fingerprints...what else could it be???? With a little more investigating (I asked my roommate), I found out that Japanese people all have their own stamp with their family name in Hiragana. They need this stamp to get certain things (like a video card or library card, etc.) Without it, you are denied certain privileges. EVERYONE in Japan has a family stamp. OK, now I know what you do with the strange back gum-drop with the spongy orange filling, but that still doesn't explain why my change purse barely holds any change!

So the next day, I take it to work and ask the Japanese office ladies what I have purchased. They confirm that the black thing is ink for your stamp. But what about this wimpy change purse? Why can't it hold more than a few coins? For those of you who have already figured out this riddle on your own...WHO CARES! QUIT LOOKING DOWN YOUR NOSE AT ME! For those who haven't figured it out, follow me to the pond of knowledge. The "change purse" is the STAMP HOLDER! You carry your stamp in the stamp-purse which also contains the ink for which to stamp! IF I could get any more retarded while I am here, maybe I can get a designated spot on the train next to the designated spots for pregnant women and old, decaying seniors. The stamp is shaped like a cigarette but a bit shorter and fatter (sound like anyone you know?) The good thing about this whole retarded experience is that one of the Japanese office girls was kind enough to call and order me a stamp so I can have MY OWN STAMP!!!! I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so! (Please refer to your 80's record collection for that joke). So in less than two weeks I will have my own stamp with my FIRST name written in Katakana (they said my last name is too weird in Japanese...) That's ok, because the Crawfords are weird folks anyway. I'll just be "Rachel," sorta like "Madonna."

OK, like I said, I have nothing to share so you get one goofy story and now I get to go home and eat sardines and Raisin Bran (THANKS, SIS!) I'll be regular in NO time!

Feel free to write me so I have something to look forward to when I open my yahoo mail box! What's the haps in good ole U.S. of A. ???

Much Japanese love,

Love Rachel

Letters from Japan 9/19/02

I'm not in the mood to write but I am going to because I have a half hour to burn here...

One quick note of interest...you know how Americans will point to their chest when referring to themselves, like "Who, ME?" Well, when Japanese people are referring to themselves, they put their finger on the tip of their nose. It's kind of funny.

OK, next story...there was nothing on TV last night so I ended up watching this REALLY stupid show. I STILL don't know what the point of it was but is was 3 young girls and 3 old men running around Shinjuku doing stupid stuff. When I first turned it on, they were all in some hot-tub, spa room and the 3 girls climbed into the small tub with their towels on. Then the one old guy tries to climb in the tub with them and they scream and push him and he falls into the big hot tub and they all laugh and so he tries again and they push him again and he falls into the hot tub again. Then he takes his towel off and spanks his butt (BARE BOTTOM) in their direction and they all scream (yes, I screamed, too..THEY SHOWED HIS BUTT ON TV!) and the insanity continues...next they all have robes on and are walking down the street and go into some store and start playing some game of who can toss a role of toilet paper into the toilet from 10 feet away (they are in some kind of appliance store with a bunch of demo toilets and tubs, etc.) So the one girl who makes the shot ends up having to get into her towel again and get in a tub with the 3 old men who are also in their towels again and they fill up the tub with water. Then they all get back into their robes and go to some fancy hotel and get a room with ANOTHER hot tub and after they eat, the girls get into their towels and get in the hot tub and eventually the guys get in the hot tub with them. Now if at any point in my story you can figure out the plot/purpose of this show, please feel free to e-mail and enlighten me. I guess this is their version of REALITY television, minus the entertainment value.

Then I was watching this other show the night before and I was SOBBING and I had NO CLUE what they were saying! It was a bunch of short "documentaries," if you will, with a camera following around a family for a day. Each family had like 7 or 8 kids and they were poor. I asked one of my students about the show and she said Japanese people like stories about poor, struggling families with a million kids. So that answers that question. Anyway, this one family had 7 kids and a mom and dad and what I could figure from watching it was that the woman used to be married to a guy whom she had 6 kids with, then they divorced or he died or something and one day, the meter-man or lawn guy or something, comes by and they fall for each other and he marries her and they have a kid together and this meter-man or lawn boy supports this huge family of 9 people and he looked rather young but he is this really soft-spoken, shy sweet guy that you can tell is a good daddy. And then it's the wife's birthday and the family is sitting around on the floor at the dinner table and the lawn-boy pulls out a ring from his robe that he has probably purchased by mowing extra lawns or reading extra meters or something and he is all choked up giving it to her. Then her oldest boy who is about 12 goes to his book bag and pulls out a note or poem that he has written for his mom and the little boy starts getting all choked up reading it and the meter-man gets all choked up and all the guys are crying because they are so moved and the mom is just sitting there listening (she obviously is NOT the emotional one in the family) and then he hands her the letter and I think the show ends soon after that (well,at least, THEIR story ends). So here I am CRYING because this Japanese lawn-meter-man-boy is all moved and the boy is all moved to tears so I join them. So you thinks it's my hormones?

OK, my time is up! Gotta run. More stories to come. Remind me to tell you about doko.

Love Rachel

Letters from Japan 9/18/02 "Drunken Poets Corner"

Once again I have nothing to share with you but I mistakenly came into work 3 hours early so I decided to trek it over to the internet cafe to to entertain myself. Speaking of trekking, that reminds me of a student who said she liked to go "tricking" on the weekends. We had to put a stop to that mispronunciation FAST! Try explaining prostitution to someone who does not speak your language. This job teaches you creativity if nothing else.

Speaking of creativity, part of my job requires that I write 8 sentence dialogues for the students to practice conversation. I usually use names like Bob and Anne and other simple American names in the dialogue. Well, one day, I decided to use Japanese names so that they did not get confused (sometimes, they don't realize that an American name is a name and not a word). I was just starting at Nova at this point in time so I was unfamiliar with Japanese names, so I made one up that SOUNDED Japanese...Yasu. So I had them practice the dialogue using the name Yasu. There is no funny ending to this, just that they snickered when I said the name and I stopped and thought to myself...What if "Yasu" means asshole or something in Japanese and I have my students practicing dialogue calling each other asshole? "Hello Asshole, how are you today?" So I decided that making up Japanese names was not a safe practice and I went back to Bob and Anne.

OK, I have to share some co-worker humor. I told you that the guys I work with are characters. Well, they started a wall of poetry at work and there are a couple Haikus up there along with other kinds of poems. Pete wrote one that cracked me up. Pete is this skinny British guy with quick wit. His haiku was...

Writing a poem

In seventeen syllables

Is very diffic-

I haven't written a poem for the wall yet (although I have been strongly encouraged to make my contribution...) The pressure it TOO MUCH! Most of the poems are written about co-workers and they are usually sarcastic. Mine will have to be carefully crafted...

Another quick, funny story (although it might be one of those you-had-to-be-there- stories...) There are two Nova schools that I teach at. There is one on the north side of the railroad tracks and one on the south side. On the weekends, I work on the south side. This weekend, Dave and I were the only teachers at the south side. He had been out drinking late with the guys the night before (Friday night is guys night out) so Dave wasn't feeling too hot but he was his usual goofy self (he is the crazy redhead from Canada). Anyway, he came back into the teachers' area after his 3rd class of the day and said, "That had to be the WORST class I have EVER taught." I asked him what happened and he said, "They wouldn't talk, they just sat there and looked at me. They didn't want to participate. The one girl didn't say one word the entire time until the end of class when she looked at me and said, "Have you been drinking?" I just about died laughing. You had to be there. It was funny.

Anyway, I have to go because my hour is up and I am CHEAP!

Write soon, love me

Letters from Japan: Sept 18, 2002 "Just the Facts"

Originally titled "Test...testing...testing"

Hey kids,

I have less than 20 minutes to write this so it will be short and informative (not funny, just interesting).

Interesting fact #1...People who want to be elementary school teachers in Japan have to take several tests...could you be a teacher?

1) Swimming test...swim a mile
2) Piano test...play fairly well and read sheet music
3) English test...read, write, and speak English (or, in our case, Japanese)

Interesting fact #2...Most young Japanese people die their hair orange.

Interesting fact #3...Japanese don't feel very patriotic about their flag. It reminds them of the old Emperor who used to make men be kamikazes. The older generation wants a new flag.

Interesting face #4...At weddings, the big-wig of the company that you work for gives the speech.

OK, I told you it wasn't funny, just interesting facts I will test you on upon my return...

Love Rachel

Letter From Japan: Sept 14 2002 "Wun Fun Tung"

HI All,
Thanks for all your words of wisdom regarding Charlotte. Larry suggested that I should have used the Polaroid to take a picture of my rear end with the words GO U.S.A. on it and left that picture for her along with her camera. Now although I have lost a few pounds during my brief stay, I will never feel comfortable flashing my fanny (as funny as that would have been). Feel free to send your own fanny pictures as I am sure I will have other opportunities to leave her little gifts.
On to other things...yesterday I went shopping at two department stores in Chofu. These stores are 9 stories high. I decided to splurge on myself since I got my first paycheck (which was a pretty hefty check for only 8 days of work). I went into a cute clothing store and found few few cute blouses. I communicated with the store lady in my usual gorilla-grunting Tarzan fashion and she led me to a dressing room. I stepped into the room and she said something and pointed to my feet...OOPS! I am supposed to take my shoes off before entering the dressing room. Faux pas NUMBER 1. Then she handed me something kind of silky, papery. I tossed it on the floor and stood on it as I tried on the 3 blouses. I thought "Man, this thing is slippery. People could really hurt themselves on this." After trying on the blouses, I emerged from the dressing room and saw a sign next to the dressing room for people who did not purchase the book "Idiot's Guide to Japan." It tells you to remove your shoes before entering the dressing room and use the "scarf wrap" to protect the clothing from getting your make-up smeared all over it. OOPS! I was hoping that I did not toss the silky scarf on the ground until AFTER the woman had closed the curtains! I hope they don't reuse those things...someone will be pleasantly suprised with the delightful smell of my feet...But I got a nice blouse out of it so that is all that matters, right? RIGHT? I am getting used to making a fool out of myself, we'll chalk it off to "character-building."
OK, I have a few more minutes to blow here at the internet cafe so I will just share with you whatever pops into my head...(this should be interesting...) I had one student a few days ago that is a police officer. I asked him if they have a lot of problems with Americans as far as being hooligans or criminals. He said that actually most of their criminals are Chinese folks. They have almost 300 police officers learning Chinese so that they can communicate with all of the Chinese hooligans whereas they only have 75 officers learning English. I thought that was interesting. Those damn Chinese...such trouble-makers. I always had them pegged as bad seeds...(joking...just in case any of you are Chinese).
Speaking of Chinese, my roommate (who is a Chinese Canadian) and I talk soemtimes when she is around (her boyfriend "Squirrel Boy" has not spent the night since his last cold shower...). She stays over at his place now. Anyway, her name is Helen and she has 8 brothers and sisters. All her sisters were born in Vietnam and she was born in Canada so her mom named all the older siblings Chinese names and named her a Canadian name. Anyway, she was telling me that she wished that she had a Chinese name like her sisters. One of her sister's names is Tuong Fung Wong (read as Tongue Fung Wung). I'm thinking to myself, "Why would you want to be named Tongue?" Actually, you say the last name first so it is Wong Fung Tongue, which, when said fast, sounds like "One fun tongue." Now I don't know about you, but if I had a name like One Fun Tongue, the pressure to live up to my name would be too overwhelming. Of course, I did not say any of this, I merely listened with interest hoping that the expression on my face did not give me away.
OOPS! Look at the time! Gotta run and catch the bucking bronco to Tobitakyu!
Love Rachel

Letters From Japan Sept 13, 2002 "Charlotte's Wicked Web"

Hi all,

Yes, can you believe...2 E-MAILS IN A ROW!!!! I was about to give up on this place because the air wasn't on but then something kicked in and air was a-plenty! I left you hangin' with that Evil English chick story so I figured I would finish that story up with you right now...

Ok, so I start my job as the new chick and try to be friendly to everyone (which isn't hard at first because everyone is really cool). Well, apparently I hadn't met this one chick because she was on vacation. Now James gave me a bit of a heads-up by telling me that Charlotte is Charlotte and there is no other way to explain her. I would just have to wait and meet her for myself.

Well, that day finally comes after I had been working for about a week. I introduced myself and she seemed all right. But that was just the first few seconds of meeting her. Each day after that, whenever I would say hi and try to talk to her, I was getting a bad vibe. If she was reading the newspaper, I figured, Oh, she's just really into what she is reading, don't take it personally. But as soon as the guys would come into the room, she would come to life with all sorts of teasing and joking (although it was never light-hearted, she tries to sound clever and sarcastic). So at this point, I think, OK she just craves male attention (the psychologist in me is always analyzing people) and she may feel threatened by me because I am female and may take away from her all the attention she is used to getting (there are only a couple girls at my school and about 15 guys). So I figure she just is not interested in being friends with me. That is fine, I am a bit hurt, but that is ok. Well, a few of the guys announce that the following Sunday, we are all going to go out to welcome the new people (me and Paul).

We all have to work Sunday but I have to work at a different school that day on the other side of the railroad tracks. So after I am done with work, I go over to my usual school and wait for Dave to finish teaching so I can go with him to this Family restaurant because I have no clue how to get there. Dave is this crazy red-head from Canada. He is really cool. SO I sit and listen to him finish up his lesson in the other room which sounds like this...

"Ok, so for next time, if you get a chance to go cow-tipping, bring in a picture and I will give you 50 points. And remember what I taught you about transvestites."

So Dave comes into the teachers' room and I ask him about this point system he has made up. He tells his students that they can get a free tee-shirt if they get 1000 points (mind you, there are no tee-shirts). But Dave is a nut so he amuses himself (as well as others) with his crazy antics. You never know when to laugh at him and when to take him seriously (and just think about his poor students...). I guess after you have been here for a while, you kinda make up your own rules.

OK, that was a tangent, but it made me laugh so I had to share it with you. So we meet some people out by the fountain in Chofu park and catch the train to this city with the family restaurant. Charlotte is already there with James and they have had a few drinks. Charlotte keeps bitching that she can't catch a buzz. Somehow I get stuck sitting next to her and it ain't long before she is trying to make me feel stupid. She would put in a few nasty jabs here and there and I would try to laugh it off like she didn't bother me. Then somehow we get on the topic of accents and I said that I can't differentiate between Australian and English accents and Charlotte took that and ran..."YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ENGLISH AND AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS?! THAT'S WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AMERICANS, YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELVES!!!!" I looked across the table at Dave and said, "Oh great, am I gonna have to sit next to her and listen to this shit all night about Americans?" The guys were like, "WOOOH, we are staying out of this!" Charlotte shut up after I said that because what I have discovered is that she is a bully and just like any bully, she will bully you as long as she thinks you are scared. Since i had SEEMED so meek and mild mannered at work, I think she thought she was going to be a bitch to me and get away with it. She is this rat-faced red-head with goloptic freckles and she dresses like a 13 year old prostitute in black mini-skirts and pink PowerPuff Girl tee-shirts...SHE WEARS THIS SHIT TO WORK! All the guys come in to work with suits and ties and she dresses like THAT!

So anyway, then instead of continuing on her AMERICANS SUCK rampage, she tries to drag the guys in by saying that they hate Americans, too. That is when they said they were not getting into it and they never said anything like that. Paul came and sat on the other side of me a little later (he missed the whole Americans suck thing) and of course, I can't let it go because I am pissed so when he asked me something, I said, "What do we know. We are just two stupid self-centered Americans." You know me, I had to say that a couple times throughout the night just to let her know that I was pissed and not going to be bullied. She never said another word to me.

So my boss gets there later and I let him know that there is some friction there. Apparently he doesn't care for Charlotte either but I figured this out later when we were leaving. It was me, my boss, and his friend and as we were getting up to go, his friend picks up a Polaroid camera and says someone has forgotten their camera. He hands it to my boss (John, he's English like Charlotte) and I tell them that its Charlotte's camera. So John puts it back on the table and says that Charlotte can come back for it another day. And we leave. HA!

So that is my story and I know I sound evil in it, too, but I was so caught off guard by her meanness that once I got my bearings, the gloves were off! Fortunately, she has not been teaching at my school for this past week so I have not had to control myself around her. I'm sure that that saga will continue, though, and you will hear my rantings about it. I get myself so fired up!

OK, I was going to tell you some other stuff but I think I have prattled on for too long so I will save it for another day. Feel free to e-mail me EVERY DAY!

Rachel

Me and the lovely Miss Charlotte (you can tell by the expression on my face that she has already gone off about Americans)