Letters from Japan Sept 12, 2002 "The Crazy Gaijen is Back..."

"The crazy gaijen is back and she is on the loose with more crazy tales from the far side!"

Hi Strange Americans!

Have you been craving more stories about insanely drunk Japanese men, wild train rides, and garbled Japanese-English? Then you have opened the right e-mail...read on to satisfy the hunger!

We'll start with a funny little garbled English story because whenever I reflect back on this story, I still laugh. A few days ago, I had a lesson with a Japanese
man that looked like he was about 45 or 50. I could tell right away that he was going to be funny. Usually, when I play "True or False" as a warm-up, students make statements like "I have one sister" or "I have been to America" or "I like soccer" and other students have to guess if it is true or false. The statements are usually pretty bland. Every so often I will get a man who says "I am a woman, true or false" and then laughs hysterically at his own silliness. Well, this latest student (Shigeki)threw me a curve ball when he said, "I love my girlfriend and my wife." Then he burst out laughing so I went along with him and said "false, you only love your girlfriend" and he said "NO, my wife!" and started laughing again. I
STILL am not sure if he was joking about the whole girlfriend thing. I think he was. Anyway, sometimes students just want to talk and not do a lesson which I
like the most because that is when I learn the most about Japan and Japanese people. So we got to talking and he mentioned something about it almost being
September 11th and he said how horrible that was and pretty soon we were both all choked up and had to stop talking because we both got teary-eyed. So we switched topics and started talking about food. They have this stuff called nato here that people either LOVE or HATE. It is made of beans that stink really bad. Then he told me about another Japanese food that was a popular Japanese dessert. He described it to me and i asked him what it was made out of and he said
"beans." Then he told me about another dessert that you can eat separately or combine it with the other dessert he told me about. He described it as having
jelly in the middle. i asked him what it was made of and he said "beans"! I said "BEANS!!!! Bean Jelly??? Beans are not a dessert! What is up with BEANS! I said "No wonder Shinjuku stinks!" I asked if he had ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he said, "penis-butter?" That was it, my head almost hit the table with laughter. I told him that he just said something funny but I was not going to tell him what he said (i didn't want to have to explain what a penis was). After i was done laughing, I said "peanut" really slow so he could say it right. Students always repeat what you say if they have never heard of a word you have used so apparently he has never heard of a PB&J. So next time he comes, he is going to bring me that strange bean dessert and I am going to make him a sandwich...anyone know where I can score some penis-butter?

Another student couldn't remember a word when I asked him a question. He sat there and thought for a minute, then he tapped his head with his finger and said, " I am butt-head." I said, "WHAT? Where did you learn that word? that is not a nice word to call yourself." After I went on for a few minutes, we discovered that his pronunciation and poor grammar really translated into " I have bad head." What he was trying to say was that he has a bad memory.

Yesterday, I had a sweet little nun say she was stupid. I said "NO! Stupid is not a nice word! Don't call yourself stupid." She threw out a couple more words and we figured that she was trying to say that she was simple, lived a simple life, not complex. She was such a cutie pie. Halfway through the lesson, she
pulled out a present for me. I thought she just wanted to show me what her "sister" nun (who is 80 years old) made but she wanted me to have it. i can't describe what it is but it is very cool and really sweet. I guess some of the nuns have a business, they make stuff and sell it, and this was one of the things one of the nuns makes and sells. So I was touched.

Then I had another old woman. James was supposed to have her but he doesn't like teaching her because she is old and blind. I told him that I'd teach her because old ladies dig me. So we ended up hitting it off and she wants me to come over for dinner with Michael when he comes to town. She asked if she can have me as her teacher every time she comes for class. She was so cute. I LOVE JAPANESE PEOPLE. They are just so nice.

Many of my students have a great interest in September 11th. They all want to ask me questions about it and where I was and what I thought about it and share
their feelings about it. Especially the older people. It is sweet because they really seem to care. I wonder how many Americans would care about a year-old
Japanese tragedy. We probably wouldn't even know that it was the anniversary of a tragedy in Japan. It's interesting...They have been televising all sorts of TV shows about it for the past week. It's on as much as the report of Tamachan (remember the seal???)

OK, onto drunk Japanese men stories...I was at the train station a few nights ago talking to Michael on my cell phone when I glanced down to see a man squatting in a weird way on the ground next to me. I took a few steps too my left to distance myself from him because it seemed odd. i continued yapping on the phone, then as I hung up and turned to walk back, I saw the same man with his upper body moving forward while the his feet remained planted on the ground. He fell right over like a cardboard figure blown over in the wind and BAM! smashed his face into the toll
booth. I turned my head away right before impact. His arms did not even come up to break his fall. He was THAT PLOWED! The train police rushed over so i walked away and when I looked back, the dude was getting on the train and squatting down again. It is NUTS how much men drink here! Last night I saw another old man in Chofu park who was down on his hands and knees trying to stand up by grabbing the light pole.
Sometimes he would just be able to lift his head enough to have another swig of his beer while he was on the ground. Poor guy...damn those missing enzymes!
(Please see previous e-mail for that joke.)

A little interesting thing...there are vending machines here that sell girls' panties. I haven't seen these machines but my friend Paul told me about them so i told him that I wanted to find one of the machines and take a picture of him making a purchase. Paul is this kinda frumpy guy from America who sometimes seems to lack a personality, then he will suddenly shock you by doing something totally unexpected and wild or goofy. He's an interesting specimen.

OK, train story. A week ago, I caught what I THOUGHT was the last train of the night from Shinjuku to Tobitakyu. I figured that that was why everyone was cramming onto this train (it was getting late and the train doesn't run all night but i don't know when exactly he stops). So I get onto the train and remembered my brilliant idea of going to the end of a train car and standing against the wall. well, this
time it was so packed that my master plan was null and void. My boobs were SMASHED against this guys back and if i puckered my lips, i would have been kissing the back of his neck! So when we came to the first stop and a few people got off, I turned so that my boobs were smashed against the window and i could look into the next car and see all the other smashed boobs.

Then more people piled in and off we went. i can see how people get crushed in a crowd. Every time the train slowed down quickly, everyone in the train would
lean in the same direction which was MY direction and I would have the air squished out of me because I was already pressed up against the wall. So ANYWAY, by the time i got to the Chofu station, i had to get off the train to catch the local train to Tobitakyu. Now I have ALWAYS caught the train on rail 2. And usually I only have to wait about 5 minutes for it to come. So I waited as I watched one train, then another train, then another train come and go. They were ALL express trains which did not stop at my stop. Then i started freaking out thinking i missed the last rain
of the night (or maybe it was bad Karma for whipping out my camera 10 minutes earlier and taking a picture of all the smashed people on the epress train). So
just as I was about to freak out, my friend Mo came along and told me that the train on rail 3 was going to Tobitakyu. Here I had been sitting and watching all the trains stop and go on that rail and NEVER figured that that was MY train! At first I thought he was pulling my leg and trying to get me to take the wrong train (Mo is a jokester) but I had no choice at that point but to trust him, so I got on it and
lo-and-behold, I got home. See, the last time i took that train, it took me to Hashimoto which is NOT where I live so I just never got on that train again. But
this time it said takafudu. Well, I didn't know that Takafudu was part of the Keio-line because usually trains going to my place say Keio-Hachioji. But Mo
said that sometimes they change rails so if the train says Takafudu, then it goes in the direction of Keio-Hachioji which stops at my train stop in Tobitakyu. Just when you think you have the trains all figured out, you learn something new. It is a complicated beast...but I SHALL PREVAIL!

OK, I think i have yapped on for longer than you care to read so I will withhold my other stories til next time...oh! Just one quick thing, i will write about it in detail next time but last Sunday everyone from work went out to welcome the new people (me and Paul) and we went to a FAMILY restaurant that served ALL YOU CAN DRINK LIQUOR...YES LIQUOR, for less than $5. You heard me right, you pay $5 and drink all night...gin, whiskey, wine, etc. It was a self-serve thing so you just go fill your glass each time after you empty it. Remind me to tell you about the English-rat-faced-bit** who I work with who hates Americans. She made me feel REAL welcome. Anyway, that's for next time.
Saiyunara! rachel